The End of The End.

Death was the main feature of my first week back home.


I came home; and my sister told me that the remaining tortoise had died. She said it with a tinge of sorrow and I responded with a genuinely disinterested "Oh." It was a matter of time anyway. Imagine living in a glass box and being fed leaves two times a day for five years. Or maybe once a day if everyone's busy with work. And moving around at 1m/hour with a shell on your back. I don't see the joy in living a tortoise's life, and I don't see why that poor thing would either. I'm pretty sure it starved itself to death. Or maybe it was pretending to be dead so we would bury it and when it's safely hidden from view it'd transform into some bionic Ninja Mutant Tortoise and burrow it's way to Borocay. We never know. Just because something closes its eyes and stops moving doesn't mean it's gone forever. Especially when it's a tortoise.


The next day I watched Departures, which is a Japanese movie about a cellist-turned-undertaker.I found the theme intriguing, but I didn't think the movie was very realistic. The matter of death isn't dealt with that casually in real life, especially when it's sudden. It struck me odd that the Japanese actually clean, dress and make up the dead in front of close family members. "Encoffining"; that's what they call it (according to the subtitles at least.) The procedure is extremely impressive and precise, even dreamlike to a certain extent; by the end of the movie I was convinced that everyone should book a Japanese undertaker in advance. The Japanese probably handle death the best among all their Asian counterparts, in a general sense of speaking; the fact that they are able to sit through a half-an-hour ceremony watching a body being cleaned and dressed in silence is proof of their composed acceptance of the ephemerality of life, something most of us will never be capable of.

I watched Donnie Darko the next morning; and I won't even bother going into details here - I'd have to go into the whole spacetime subject again PLUS the philosophy of religion..so yes. Better save that for another post. It wasn't exactly brilliant, but it was one of the more thought-provoking movies I've watched in my lifetime. Then again, I used to think Free Willy was thought-provoking. I was in a daze for about half an hour after the movie ended, still trying to comprehend the meaning of the story in its entirety - something that I probably won't be able to do even if I spent the rest of my life thinking about it. When I watch a movie, I usually expect coherence - even if it's one of those arthouse ones; because that's what sets it apart from a slideshow. It doesn't have to be smooth and predictable like the rest of the mainstream blockbuster rubbish we get nowadays (which does NOT include Transformers) but there should be a sense of understanding at the end of the movie. A hanging ending is perfectly fine provided it gets the message across. Donnie Darko was the kind of movie that was too clever for its own good; it knew everything and told nothing. It had Hawking, relativity, string theory, teenage problems, God, death, philosophy and a whole load of other interesting subjects which was just too heavy for one movie to hold together. The movie ended up branching into many rivers which never made it to the sea. Death was just a part of a grander scheme of things in the movie; and to die is to leave a void for Time to quickly fill; hence pulling with it the fabric of the Universe which it holds together and everything in it - Time is the thread of Space. Death is necessary, yet it is insignificant. Tragic.


Then came the argument with Zeke about Neda Soltan. Honestly I didn't know about the shooting until he brought it up; and I wasn't aware of the magnitude of the impact left on the rest of the world by the video 'till the following day. Perhaps if I'd watched the video I would have agreed with Zek. That this is all a senseless act and civilians are dying for nothing and the tyrannical government is to blame. The scene of death changes everything. It forces people to choose sides; and it makes neutrality heinous. There is no such thing as equal blame when an innocent party is killed. Does anyone deserve to die? If they do, and if death is inevitable, what is the point of living if we are all heading for one ultimate punishment? And if death is liberation, is it not reward for those who deserve to die? Millions of people die a day, some get hit by cars, some drown, some are murdered, some mutilated, some burn to death and some hop around and drop dead. Is death ever justified? Why is one person's death more important than another? Why does it take a video of one dying girl to move people into action? To get people to care? Do people really care? Why do people need to watch death to feel alive? And now that we've watched the video and taken a side, what do we do? Board the next plane to Iran and join the protests?

No. We sit behind our flat screen TVs and monitors and condemn cruelty to no-one. We cannot grieve for those who have no direct influence on our lives, so we search for another emotion to be human. We find anger, and we manifest it to our own advantage; the advantage of appearing more human than another - reason is cruel, it only leads us to the Truth, which may make us all less human than we thought ourselves to be.

And finally came MJ and Farrah Fawcett. MJ's death came as a total shock; I was still half-asleep when I heard the news on the radio - for a moment I thought I was dreaming. I sat bolt upright upon hearing the word "died" and immediately messaged Julia - who claimed that she dreamt of it before it actually happened the night before. It's hard to believe that someone like MJ's gone; you'd think people like them would stick around..forever. And then one day drop dead like they never lived. Years and years of greatness only to have your heart stop beating on a random day. Then you disappear. Forever. At least we all knew Farrah was battling cancer for sometime now. It's like running a race and tripping over halfway; you know it's almost certain now that you won't win the race after ten people overtake you. But dying suddenly is like being the first to cross the finishing line, and all of a sudden you look up and you realise there's already someone else there. You reproach yourself for not running a little faster.



Sometimes it's hard to believe that there is no beginning after the end. The End is The End. And a beginning is something different altogether. Something that does not belong to you. As you lay in the streets, on a bed, in your room, in the earth, on the train, in the plane, in the mountains, underwater, on your couch, in your classroom, on the floor; dying; I can only imagine your fear of the overwhelming loneliness, and wondering why you had lived your life with people who have left you to die alone - yes, the greatest fear; my greatest fear, is that I shall leave with no one walking with me in the same direction, the fear of the only true farewell with no openings left for possibilities; and in this fear perhaps I will be forced to believe in the Beginning to ease the pain of leaving, or if I am accustomed to believing by then, then I will not be afraid. You will not let regret nor pride deceive those final moments in this Life, don't bother looking back on the future forgone.


cheers.

First time home in three months and what do I do?

Not much :

• Stare at dog for ten seconds. Overgrown fur has covered eyes completely.
• Played piano for an hour or so.
• Sat down and stared into nothingness for another.
• Sleep
• Listened to 92.4 in air conditioned room for two hours
• Played taiko on the PS. still stuck at same song
• City Square. everyone still looks the same
• but there are less schoolkids there now
• watched awesome Japanese movie
• ate some stuff that I can't remember now
• watch Top gear on Youtube
• watch a whole load of other stuff
• MSN-ing with equally bored friends
• thinking about homework and feeling all energy drained from body
• listen to everybody call me fat
• buying new clothes since I can't fit into the old ones anymore
• listen to sister rant about school

I can foresee that this holiday will turn out to be the most productive one ever. I can feel it in my bones.

cheers.

Carpe Diem..carpe diem.

" In every age of transition men are never so firmly bound to one way of life as when they are about to abandon it, so that fanaticism and intolerance reach their most intense forms just before tolerance and mutual acceptance come to be the natural order of things." – Bernard Levin

 

I used to think that my mind was a dynamic amalgam of thoughts swathed in an indissoluble capsule; trapped by its own judgement and prejudice – but splendid nonetheless. Loneliness became a pleasure; and then an erroneous praise : Is not the one who is best at understanding equally accomplished in being misunderstood? The reason for giving became redundant; if they cannot listen, then let me bear the burden of conversation. It doesn't matter anymore; nothing does. They will step on the dirt that will shroud me someday, with the same indifference that they so graciously bestow upon me while I am still vulnerable – yet I am superior in that office. This sickening cycle leaves me both conceited and reticent : hence the appearance of silent arrogance. Am I being contrary? Or do I lie to you like I do to my Mind?

 

But alas

 

 

I speak the truth.

 

 

And I cannot care less.

 

 

 

Cheers.

Of Hermit Crabs and Glasses of Water.

-Jie I bght 2 hermit crabs. RM8 each. They r dam cute

-Oh. Can you cook them.

-No……what the hell. They eat everything! And they eat peanut butter. I jst chcked on the net

-Okay. Feed them Pudds' [pet dog] poop then. save cost

-.. disgusting. Anyway they're eating turtle sticks now

-what on earth is that

 

This is why my sister and I never exchange more than 10 text messages in one session.

I can't help it. I wasn't born the animal lover that she is. All I think about when I look at any other animal apart from dogs, cats and vermin is food.

 

I honestly believe Coldplay writes the best lyrics ever.

I left my iTunes on shuffle mode; and when this song came on, it sounded like an echo that reverberated in my own head :

Scared of losing all the time,

He wrote it in a letter, he was a friend of mine.

He heard you could see your future

Inside a glass with ripples and the lines,

And he asked, "Will I see heaven in mine?"

 

That is just the way it was,

Nothing could be better and nothing ever was.

Oh, they say you can see your future,

Inside a glass of water, the riddles and the rhymes,

"Will I see heaven in mine?"

 

Oh, son, don't ask;

Neither how full nor empty is your glass.

Cling to the mast,

Spend your whole life living in the past,

Going nowhere fast.

 

So he wrote it on a wall :

The hollowest of halos is no halo at all.

Televisions selling plastic figurines of leaders,

Saying nothing at all,

And you chime, Stars in heaven align.

 

Oh, son, don't ask;

Neither how full nor empty is your glass.

Cling to the mast,

Spend your whole life living in the past,

Going nowhere fast.

 

What are we drinking when we're done?

Glasses of Water.

 

-Glass of Water, Coldplay

 

I have yet to find a Coldplay song that does not speak the words of my own heart. Sounds corny; but it's true.

 

And I'm pretty darn sure my Coldplay buddies will agree with meJ

 

Home; places I've known,

There's nothing here to run from.

'Cause here, everybody here,

Has got somebody to lean on.

 

AH! COLDPLAY! Cheers.

Get To Know Your Blogger.

I haven't done a tag in a million years; so thought I'd do this extremely long one I found on Facebook. (from Wendy) I know tags are really the most useless things to put on a blog apart from song lyrics and no one actually reads them; and I am painfully aware of the fact that it's more for the purpose of self-gratification than anything else. Just take this as an opportunity to get to know the person behind this Blog better :

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: Mineral water from Jusco
2. Last phone call: James Dean of Johor Bahru + Extremely charming Mongolian neighbour
3. Last text message: Farah Deena (Speedy Gonzales)
4. Last song you listened to: Butterflies and Hurricanes by Muse.
5. Last time you cried: Somewhere last month. We all know the Kiasu Kids only ever cry over one thing.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: Nah. How do you date the same person twice=S Wouldn't the second time be considered as reconciliation..
7. Been cheated on: Well..it depends on which angle you're looking at it from. A more likely case would be me cheating myself.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: There appears to be too many occasions where we plant kisses on cheeks and receive some on our own against our will.
9. Lost someone special: Let's not talk about this one.
10. Been depressed: I'll reserve that term for the ones who deserve it. My mental knot is not a medical condition..yet.
11. Been drunk and threw up: Never.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. Black
13. White
14. Sky blue

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: Friends. They come with the whole college package.
16. Fallen out of love: Everyday.
17. Laughed until you cried: Yes; we have some realllly interesting classes.
18. Met someone who changed you: It's a collective thing. They've all changed me. Old acquaintances and New.
19. Found out who your true friends were: Yeah. I found them more than decade ago. I was a good judge of character from the start.
20. Found out someone was talking about you: Har.har. Ignorance is bliss.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Not..yet.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: Not many. Can't really tell when technology makes such an efficient disguise. It's Facebook. You're not supposed to know the people you're networking with. You're supposed to know who they want you to know.
23. How many kids do you want to have:
24. Do you have any pets: Dog. Shih Tzu. Old. Smelly. Acts autistic when you call her. Only responds to rattling of food bowl.
25. Do you want to change your name: Nope. It's too awesome.
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Got fat at Italiannies.
27. What time did you wake up today: 9.30 am. I woke up at 6.30 and walked to the door but I changed my mind and went back to bed.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Smacking my head
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Meals (But I've cut down on Supper)
30. Last time you saw your Mother: Last weekend. Wow. Time flies. So fast that it's scary.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: The way I perceive the future
32. What are you listening to right now: Stronger by Kanye West
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: erm. Hold on. Trying to pick out a name among the thousands. No, I don't think I've ever known anyone called Tom. Which is quite weird considering how common it's supposed to be=/ And in case there IS a Tom I have forgotten about, I'm sorry. I'm not very good with names.
34. What's getting on your nerves : The smell of the common room. I guess that's the only thing I won't miss when I move out of here.
35. Most visited webpages: This page. Google. Coolhunter.net. Economist.com. Star Online. and some Facebook.
36. What's your real name: Antoinette Constanze
37. Nicknames: Fann, Fannie, Fann Fann, Sea Urchin, Midget (not approved), Fire Goddess, Woman, Fannmai, Fanshu, Fanshi, Big Time, Shar, Keira Knightley (Self Proclaimed)
38. Relationship Status: Exploded.
39. Zodiac sign: Sagittarius
40. Male or female? :
41. Elementary?: SK IJ Convent JB
42. Middle School?: Correction. High School : SMK IJ Convent JB
43. High school/college?: Kolej Yayasan UEM. mm.
44. Hair colour: Flaming Red.
45. Long or short: Short.
46. Height: 170 cm
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: Not at the moment
48: What do you like about yourself : The part where I know what to dislike about myself
49. Piercings: Hurt.
50. Tattoos: are ugly.
51. Righty or lefty: Both. That makes me sound a bit more talented than I really am. Righty.

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: Don't remember.
53. First piercing: 2004. My sister forced me into it because she was too scared to do it alone. But I was too lazy to change the earrings and got an infection and after the excruciating ordeal of removing them; I decided to leave my earlobes holeless.
54. First best friend: Noraiman Sabtu
55. First sport you joined: Sport..sport. I can't remember whether swimming or badminton came first.
56. First vacation: Kuala Lumpur. Don't even need to recall to know this one
Where's 57?
58. First pair of trainers: Trainers.. Primary 2? Think it was Nike. Or Reebok. Wished it was Adidas though.

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating: Nothing
60. Drinking: Mineral Water from Jusco
61. I'm about to: Go for lunch
62. Listening to: What's My Age Again by Blink 182
63. Waiting on: For lunch

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: If they turn out as cute as my nephew, sure
65. Get Married: Maybe
66. Career?: Superhero

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: Both of them are equally important to the average human
68. Hugs or kisses: Not a fan of both. But I'd take hugs
69. Shorter or taller : Taller would be quite obvious
70. Older or Young : Is this spouse-related =S Age is relative
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Er. Doesn't one require the other. Surprises are always good
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: BOTH
73. Sensitive or loud: A nice mix of both
74. Hook-up or relationship : Not answering
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: Trouble Maker. We all need some fun in our lives. God knows I need some now

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: No
77. Drank hard liquor: I hope not
78. Lost glasses/contacts : I will soon
79. Sex on first date: Hey look. An American question
80. Broken someone's heart: Let's not talk about this one too
82. Been arrested: Nope
83. Turned someone down: We all have to sometimes
84. Cried when someone died: No
85. Fallen for a friend?: Ah. The heart is full of folly

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: When necessary
87. Miracles: No.
88. Love at first sight: No.
89. Heaven: No.
90. Santa Claus: Yes.
91. Kiss on the first date: Can't really decide on this one
92. Angels: No

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: No
95. Did you sing today?: Everyday
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: I shouldn't think so. I'm quite a loyal character
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: Middle Ages
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: The day I can actually remember
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: Quite
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: I'm regretting it already. Bloody waste of time.


And we didn't get anything out of this one, did we.


Stupid tags.


Have a good weekend people.

Home.

Everyone blogs about Home these days.

It's funny how those that are closest to it seem to talk about Home with the most sentimentality. You'd think the one stranded halfway across the globe would be crying her eyeballs out. Instead we find it is the one across the Causeway who seems to miss home most.

Blog content used to be restricted to :
a) Crushes
b) Dating - at CS
c) Hanging out - at CS
d) Neoprints - at CS
e) Shopping - at CS
f) Skipping classes
g) Homework + Exams
h) Who could write the most creative answers for the Moral papers
i) Who could finish Moral paper the fastest and have the longest nap during exams
j) Interact
k) St. John
l) Evil juniors
m) Evil Seniors
n) Pimples
o) Omega Tuition Centre
p) Fake friends
q) Breaking up - at CS.

If you're not from Johor Bahru, then you'd have probably noticed by now that our lives revolve around a single mall called City Square (CS). No, you can't really break up over a game of Counter Strike (also CS)- not amicably anyway- because you'd be too busy trying to blast his head off.

"Fire in the Hole!"
"HOW DARE YOU DUMP ME"
"Wh-what? COVER ME"
"Too late. You shall PAY" *bangbangbangboom*
*urrrrgghhhhhhhhhhh*

"Counter-Male wins."


Anyway, yeah. Back to the topic of Home. I don't know why anyone would need to be thrown across the straits or Pacific Ocean to realise that he/she has a Home. But then that's human nature isn't it? Our mind and body are never one. When we're here, the mind's there; and when we're physically There, our mind stays Here. Silly, isn't it.


I feel as though I've never left home. I feel like I carry my entire Home on my back wherever I go. The burden is insuperable at times - but it is the cost I pay for my humanity. And sanity. Home is literally a part of me; I don't think anyone can ever be away from Home - for they shall die without it, like how they shall cease to exist without a body. I'm not saying this in an "Awwww" way; in fact I am typing all this with a dead serious face and in a slight agitated manner. Not to mention very full stomach.

But What is Home?




Home is the vast darkness that fills the emptiness of the space that might or might not exist; the blank that reflects our lies and keeps our truth, The Shield fresh with bright scars that remind me of the soul that is Stranded in the dimension which has yet to take form - or probably never will. Home is above me, yet it may be below; for I have yet to discover where I stand, it is the one thing that I belong to completely and where both my Heart and Mind unite under its infinite length and wonder, but the one thing that I know shall never belong entirely to me.


Home is Everywhere.
and Everything.



cheers.


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"You're a bit like Her."

It's funny how I always seem to be a fragment of the memory everyone tries to get rid off. Kinda sad, too.

Oh well.


Since I have the rare privilege of a fast Internet connection today; I shall do the only Bloggerly right thing to do - and that is to upload pictures to feed your indifferent eyes, dear Reader(s).

Mm. Maybe not before I rant a bit about my weekend.

-------------

My sister's holidays have just started; and like all the school holidays we've had for the past 11 years, they're (can't use 'we' now=/) spending it in the Isolated City of Kuala Lumpur. Yes, KL is isolated from the rest of Malaysia. It's on an entirely different planet. It's the most unMalaysian city in the country. Why is the capital again?

Anyway. Back to my weekend. Ever since I stepped into my aunt's car, everyone in the family has been commenting about how fat I look now. You'd think they ask a bit more about how I'm coping in college - the trauma that it supposedly is- but noooooo. The fats are more important. And it's common knowledge that the amount of fats you have correlates to your standard of living. But what if I'm having some sort of eating disorder? What if I'm going through an early stage of depression? WHAT IF...I AM MENTALLY DISTURBED?

huh?


huh?


huh?


whatcha gonna do THEN?


.


okay, fine. I love ice cream and Maggi too much to sacrifice their places in my weekly diet.
and one should never underestimate the power of the almighty M&M's. More powerful than caffeine, herbal tea, Vicks, weed or any of those nonsense you take. M&M's is THE miracle drug.

Unfortunately, my wits deserted me at the time I needed them most; and failing to make snappy comebacks - I ended up nodding in agreement about my now overweight self and looking repulsively at my bloated stomach. Boohoo. I guess being tan and fit doesn't help when you're fat. Well technically, you can't really be fit and fat at the same time but allow me that bit of disillusion, will ya? Now honestly, I don't mind being called fat; because everyone makes the mistake of forgetting that the Americans exist every now and then, and I can easily forgive them for that - as long no one perceives me as a slob.

A Slob, to me, is the worst title that can ever be bestowed upon any living person. Living or dead, in fact.

And I'm really not a slob. Even if I wanted to be one, college life would probably murder me before I can take the necessary steps. Time is too fearsome a master for any pleasure of idleness. The only reason why I got fat is probably because of my EXAMS. Yes. I'm pushing all the blame to my exams. There can be no other reason. I had no time to exercise. And I missed dinner in the Dining Hall because I was confined to my room, studying very hard for my exams. But one cannot expect to work without proper nourishment, surely! Hence - the midnight Snacking. or dinner.

Fine.


I'm lying. Again. I wasn't studying very hard for my exams. I was sleeping. I couldn't help it. You can't force your eyelids open. Those things are stronger than a Tesla Coil I'm telling you. And when I woke up it was 10pm and the only food available was Ramli Burger which is a two minutes' walk away from the apartment. There was a very real danger of gastritis occuring, I'll tell you that.

So maybe I don't have anyone else to blame for the evil Fats. :(


If I were a student in Singapore, they'd probably throw me out for committing such a heinous crime (allowing myself to grow fat, I mean). Which I totally understand. My Diabolical Fat may consume the whole Island if left to its own devices. And bury everyone in Unhealthy Cholesterol. Which, as all know, is any Singaporean's greatest fear. Most of them anyway.

Another thought that occured to me is how it'd be like to be both Pretty and Fat. I consider myself to be of Average Looks; which really means Forgettable by most standards. As mentioned in a post of long ago, I really was quite a looker back in the day ('94-'96?) but school came along and ruined it all. And now that my big eyes and Pantene-ad-worthy hair are gone, the only attribute left is The Brain. This was reaffirmed over lunch with Ian yesterday at Chili's :

Ian : Oo. That girl behind is hot.
Me : Too bad. She already has a boyfriend.
Ian : No, as long she's not married there's still a chance
Me : Okayyyy. Yeah, she is quite hot.
Ian : I know. Why aren't you like her?

Me : *stab self and dies in head* er. Because I wasn't born hot?

It's a good thing my cousin prepared me for things like this by talking about hot girls at home, on the train, in the car, at the mall and reminding me that it's a pity I couldn't be one of them since he sees me so much more often than those girls. And he's not home this weekend, which is a good thing; because if he were - it'd be overkill this weekend. For me.


Right. Pictures.



I'm no longer in the mood for that. What use is it putting up a picture on a blog if you're not HOT=/


will send them personally to the friends who don't take me at FACE VALUE. ish.




cheers.